The Wallflower Report

What’s black and white and red all over? The movie I just saw called Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street.
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Hey guys. So, it seems like I haven’t had a lot to say lately but actually I’ve just been like too tired or cranky to put anything together. I haven’t been able to get my Dr. Pepper fix lately because my friend Paris has decided to quit caffeine for The New Year.
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Oh wow this is just a random little note but I actually found a digest thingy of a mailing discussion list thingy from November of the year 2000 where somebody had a quote from my old pre-blog blog in their signature. You can totally see it here.

Oh whoops. I meant to make the “see it here” part a link but I forgot.
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The Mysterious Cities of Gold is coming to Dee Vee Dee!

For those of you who weren’t alive and watching Nickelodeon in the early eighties I should probably explain that The Mysterious Cities of Gold is the best show EVER. It is about Esteban a little Spanish boy during the Age of Exploitoration (I was going to just say “exploration” but Paris is watching me type and she went “more like exploitation” so this is like a compromise) who has a mysterious piece of an amulet and the worst superpower ever: he can make the sun shine.
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So lately I’ve been getting into this band called Nouvelle Vague. Their name is of course French for “vaguely new” which fits because what they do is covers of older songs.
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Today I’m going to tell you guys how to make a little something I call the Pizza Of Pretentiousness. Paris taught me how to make them but I thought up the name. Though after I told her what they’re called she doesn’t make them very often any more.

That’s okay though because they’re so easy to make.
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So it’s like four in the morning on Christmas and I just got done watching a movie called Love, Actually. Though I guess that might sound it was actually just called Love. So to make it clear, the name of the movie is actually Love, Actually.

Really.
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Hey guys sorry I haven’t like been all posting or whatever the last couple days but you know how the holidays can sneak up on you this time of year right?
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So I was thinking again.

Actually like thinking this time and not taking a bubble bath.
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This is such a short update I’m not even going to bother with the Morey thingy. Which is not to be confused with the moray thingy because that is an eel that can bite through a man’s torso. I saw it on the Discovery Channel.

The thing is that I’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to explain myself to people who don’t “get” me. Now I’m realizing I don’t need to worry about them. Instead I should be worrying about the people who do “get” me because once they’ve gotten me they can stick electrode and stuff inside my skin while I’m sleeping.

What if they already have me?

Okay so another really good thing about this time of year is hot chocolate.
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Okay so like just so that everybody knows: being able to take a pizza out of the oven with your bare hands doesn’t make you some kind of a ninja.
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Why do they only sell the best ice cream and stuff at Christmas?

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The problem with Judy (other than not being all that bright upstairs you know) is that the only time she really calls me to come over is when she’s been drinking and that never ends well.
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So I saw this movie called The Mist the other day. It was like a horror movie and once again I didn’t quite hear the name of the movie we were going to see. I thought it was called “The Missed” and so I was expecting a movie where the spirits of all the children who were listed on milk cartons and never found come back to take their revenge on a world that let them languish and die and it seems like the spirits are going to kill everybody and then somebody realizes that as milk carton spirits they would be like reverse lactose intolerant and they kill them all with soy milk.

But it turns out it was something completely different.

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One thing about being a writing type person is that people are always asking me where I get my ideas.

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So it used to be that whenever I’d go on vacation somewhere or to like an arena or auditorium or whatever the first thing I’d look for would be the Dippin’ Dots stand because there weren’t any around where I live except sometimes in Greco-Roman event structures and I’ve always felt very strongly that food should be available in frozen little globules, you know? Ice cream is just more fun when it looks like something you’d see kids making sculptures out of on a commercial on Nickelodeon.

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Okay so some of you were all like “Oh em gee Ari how can you not believe in trees?” So I thought I’d take a couple moments to explain because it’s actually pretty easy.

See I’ve always been told that everybody needs something to believe in. So I believe in no trees. That’s what I believe in.

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So I saw this movie called Beowulf which is like Olde Englishe for “bay of wolf” and if you paid as much attention as I did in American history class you would know that the Bay of Wolf is how President Kennedy countered Castrol’s Bay of Pigs, right up until the pigs built a house of bricks to keep us out.

Also Rose Tyler visited it in her last episode of Doctor Who.

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Okay so I didn’t get updates up the last couple days and I have to say “mea culpa” about that, which is either Latin for ”I’m a culpa” or is Woody Allen’s ex-girlfriend.

I forget which.

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Okay so I’m totally over being sick and now I’ve got plenty of time to write an update which is great because I’ve got lots to say.
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Sorry guys but I’ve got like a ton of stuff on my mind so I don’t have time to write an update for today.
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You know what’s rude? I mean, what really bugs people?
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Hey guys sorry I’m starting kind of late today but I am feeling ess-eye-see-kay sick.
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Okay so um you know what I really hate? Other than creepy black squirrels of death that seem to be following you around but everybody else says they’re just regular squirrels with slightly darker fur, I mean, because who doesn’t hate them? It’s when you’re trying to tell somebody something and all they keep jumping in with a lot of dumb questions or they just want to talk about themselves all day.
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