The Wallflower Report

Science still hasn’t given us the flying cars, but we do now have bacon flavored lollipops. We’re like halfway there, people.

But I am eating caramel covered Bugles™ and I am here to tell you, internet, that they are fantastic. I’m telling my friend Paris that if somebody starts showing up at the farmer’s market with some locally grown organic stuff that tastes like this, she should totally get me some.

Hey! You want to see something that’s like really seriously disturbing and that nobody in their right mind would want to look at? You’re on the internet so I guess the answer is probably yes.
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Okay so you like remember when I told you about the ice cream that came with root beer swirled in?
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So last night I was eating a big bowl of ice cream in bed and Judy’s all like “Don’t you even have any respect for your body?”
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So last week we went to the mall here and ended up eating at The Cheesecake Factory. Do not let the name fool you: the so-called “factory” is actually a restaurant. Otherwise we probably wouldn’t have eaten there. I think they call themselves a factory because they want to emphasize that their cheesecakes are made by hand. It’s like reverse pscyhology, you know? Very tricky.
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Last time I explained one way to know if you’re in a mall or an airport. I guess next I should explain The Rules of Eating At The Mall, so that once you’ve figured out that you’re in a mall, you know how to eat appropriately. Apparently, a lot of people don’t know these rules or even realize that there are rules.
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Okay so it’s been almost a month since I’ve posted but I’ve got a pretty good reason in that I temporarily forgot where the internet was. I thought maybe it existed in the hearts of every child everywhere, but it turns out it’s actually inside computers, which means I wasted a lot of time studying the diagrams in medical text books.

In the mean time not a whole lot of stuff has happened but just recently I went on a road trip with Judy and some friends to Des Moines.
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So I mentioned that I’m back together with Judy the other day, right? Well one of the things I was really looking forward to about moving back with her was the fact that I’d be able to get caffeine again. I mean Paris has started buying me Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper, which apparently tastes more like regular Diet Dr. Pepper, but that’s not quite the same thing, you know?
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Hey, guys. I’ve had a lot of court-appointed stuff on my mind lately so I haven’t really had time to write but I thought it was about time to whip out the old blog and do some blogging on the blogosphere.

Or just say the word “blog” which is kind of fun all by itself.

Blog blog blog blog blog blog turnip ketchup overdrive.

Whoops! I had it and then I lost it.
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So I couldn’t get to my own webpage the other day. I asked my friend Lexy (who I let run the webpage for me) and she told me she’s been having server problems lately. Do I ever know what that’s like! Like, last time I was at Village Inn I told the server I wanted my salad served in alphabetical order and I don’t think she even tried.
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Today I’m going to tell you guys how to make a little something I call the Pizza Of Pretentiousness. Paris taught me how to make them but I thought up the name. Though after I told her what they’re called she doesn’t make them very often any more.

That’s okay though because they’re so easy to make.
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Hey guys sorry I haven’t like been all posting or whatever the last couple days but you know how the holidays can sneak up on you this time of year right?
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Okay so another really good thing about this time of year is hot chocolate.
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Okay so like just so that everybody knows: being able to take a pizza out of the oven with your bare hands doesn’t make you some kind of a ninja.
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Why do they only sell the best ice cream and stuff at Christmas?

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One thing about being a writing type person is that people are always asking me where I get my ideas.

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So it used to be that whenever I’d go on vacation somewhere or to like an arena or auditorium or whatever the first thing I’d look for would be the Dippin’ Dots stand because there weren’t any around where I live except sometimes in Greco-Roman event structures and I’ve always felt very strongly that food should be available in frozen little globules, you know? Ice cream is just more fun when it looks like something you’d see kids making sculptures out of on a commercial on Nickelodeon.

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Sorry guys but I’ve got like a ton of stuff on my mind so I don’t have time to write an update for today.
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I don’t have a lot to say today because it is Thanksgiving. You can tell it’s Thanksgiving because I’m eating the traditional meal of FruityPebbles and Dr. Pepper.

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Hey did you ever see that Dairy Queen commercial for like their blizzard of the month where the schlubby looking guy in the waffle cone suit and the schlubby looking woman in the ice cream suit are all like into each other? They were on TV all over the place last summer. I don’t think they show them any more, which is good.

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So I got this new blog software and it came with a post already in it. Um, this post right here, actually. Only I erased what it said, which was basically just “Hi, this is a post!” and started typing this. Because I’m very big on recycling, you know?

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