The X Factory
So last week we went to the mall here and ended up eating at The Cheesecake Factory. Do not let the name fool you: the so-called “factory” is actually a restaurant. Otherwise we probably wouldn’t have eaten there. I think they call themselves a factory because they want to emphasize that their cheesecakes are made by hand. It’s like reverse pscyhology, you know? Very tricky.
Another tricky thing is restaurant decor. Like if you’re one of those “fast casual” restaurants like Panera Bread or Qdoba or Noodles & Associates L.L.C., you have to decorate your restaurant in ways that downplay the fact that you’re part of a huge multinational chain owned by McDonald’s or somebody, so you have to put up things about environmental responsibility and fair trade and organic food and whole grains and stuff everywhere to make yourself look all “indy.”
I think Chipotle does this best. Have you ever eaten at Chipotle? They’ve got like brown paper and corrugated sheet metal everywhere for that rough, unfinished look. The only time I’ve ever seen a restaurant that beat them for that image was when I wandered into a Little Caesar’s that wasn’t actually open yet.
Anyway, the Cheesecake Factory is a sit-down restaurant, so they don’t have that kind of decor.
You know, I’ve never understood all these terms. I mean, I know what they mean, but you can still sit down in a fast food place. And shouldn’t a “fast casual” restaurant somehow be more casual than a fast food restaurant, instead of having actual dishes and metal flatware and environmentally conscious messages printed on the disposable soda cups? “Fast Semi-Formal” maybe, though I guess that could confuse patrons into thinking it’s a fast sempahore restaurant, if they were hard of hearing and knew what a semaphore was.
Um. Anyway, so…
The Cheesecake Factory is decorated in a style all its own, a style which can only be described as “early American scary Egyptian faces and hanging glass candy corn.” Also, there were these weird concave thingies hanging from the ceiling with murals of vaguely Greco-Roman people hanging out with the planets and stars and junk. Also, the vaguely Greco-Roman people were mostly on fire, for some reason.
It kind of reminded me of when I was fourth grade and we went to the Nebraska State Capitol and there were all these tiled mosaics of nature and the four elements or directions or whatever in order to symbolize that farmers are a cowardly and superstitious lot and that nature is boring.
I’m really not sure what they were going for.
But the food was pretty good, and there was plenty of it even without eating off other people’s plates. Like, you ever go to a fancy restaurant because you heard the food was très magnifique, and you order something that looks good on the menu but then it comes and the portions are really tiny? Well, that’s because “très magnifique” is French for “under three times magnification”. Yeah. Don’t be fooled.
Anyway, Cheesecake Factory doesn’t have that problem. The portions are seriously huge. But they like to put asparagus on everything, for some reason. I had to look carefully to find something that didn’t have any and ended up getting the miso salmon, which is Japanese for “me so salmon!” and it really was.
The only problem was that the chef or whatever had arranged it so that salmon was on top of a tower of sticky rice surrounded by a moat of cream sauce and I was totally going to do that myself. What’s the point of ordering food if somebody else has already played with it? Though I guess if you were in a hurry or something then pre-played-with food could be a handy thing to have. That might be part of their appeal.
Considering that they’re supposed to be famous for their cheesecakes, I thought it was a little bit suspicious that they’d have such huge entrées (which, of course, literally means “on trays”, and so technically would fit better at the fast casual places) and that they’d put a basket of bread on each table and keep refilling it.
Why were they so invested in making sure that diners got full? What are they trying to hide. Who benefits, or as they say in Latin America, cui bono?
The obvious explanation is that there isn’t any cheesecake.
Shocking, rigt? But there’s no other possible explanation.
I decided to call their little bluff and ordered a piece of tiramu… timir… espresso flavored cheeecake to go. My preliminary results are that they have cheesecake and it is good, but I think this is too important not to investigate more thoroughly.
Just as soon as I can secure some funding from Judy’s purse.
~Ariella Rasputin Wallflower
March 31st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
The cheesecake is a lie?
March 31st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
It’s like the Spaghetti Factory…. or is it Spaghetti Works? Same sort of eclectic decor (which means, “he collects it,” which means “don’t mock the decor or you’ll be thrown out”).
I have childhood memories of eating there, then going on a slow boat ride by some lights, and then using burlap sacks to slide down slides faster.
I think there may have been elephants or maybe giraffes involved too, but that’s where it gets hazy.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:53 pm
legendary post! keep blogging, ariella, I love you!
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Hey! McD’s doesn’t own any part of Chipotle anymore! Plus, it, along with Noodles & Co. And Qudoba, are from Denver, and you’re not allowed to diss Denver. Boulder, sure, everybody makes fun of the PRoB (People’s Republic of Boulder). That means you can safely make fun of Old Chicago (though, they’ve got a goodly selection of beer).
April 11th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
The Cheesecake Factory isn’t called a ‘factory’ because they make the food by hand. It’s called a factory because they mass-produce everything there. The appetizers are huge, the entries are huge, and the desserts are huge. Any one of them could easily be ones entire meal. In fact, when my wife and I go there, we generally decide which we’re going to have; there’s no significant chance we’ll get more than one of the above.
Also note: no asparagus detected in the Cajun Jumbalaya Pasta. This dish is so very, very spicy I have to order it as ‘extra extra extra extra spicy’ to get it right. For the confused - without special ordering, it’s actually only a little spicy - something like Taco Bell medium sauce. Of course, different cooks are different, but I’d be really surprised to find that there’s any Cheesecake Factories where the default spiciness was even half the Scoville level of an authentic spicy cajun recipe.
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:53 am
I just supposed i’d report and let you realize your blogs is important for uncovered the helpful mystery.I actually appreciate your blog.Proficiently, the write-up is in truthfulness the best on this really worth despite the fact that topic. I concur along with your data and will thirstily look forward to your forthcoming revisions. Simply saying thanks is not going to just be adequate, for the outstanding lucidity in your writing. I will instantly take your rss feed to remain informed of any updates.Legitimate perform and considerably being successful inside your function and business enterprise tries.Anyhow preserve up the decent function.Thanks a ton.
September 3rd, 2010 at 2:19 am
Why have you taken out my post? It was very useful information and i promise atleast one person found it helpful unlike the rest of the comments on this website. I’ll post it again. Tired of getting low numbers of useless traffic to your site? Well i want to share with you a fresh underground tactic that produces me personally $900 daily on 100% AUTOPILOT. I possibly could be here all day and going into detail but why dont you merely check their website out? There is really a great video that explains everything. So if your seriously interested in making hassle-free cash this is the site for you. Auto Traffic Avalanche
September 5th, 2010 at 3:49 am
Good blog! I genuinely love how it is easy on my eyes and also the details are well written. I am wondering how I could be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your rss feed which must do the trick! Have a nice day!
September 5th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
hey there, this might be little offtopic, but i am hosting my site on hostgator and they will suspend my hosting in 4days, so i would like to ask you which hosting do you use or recommend?
September 6th, 2010 at 4:52 am
the great saftware thank u
September 7th, 2010 at 12:19 am
Total respect to the above commenter, I agree 100% with your thoughts on this.
September 15th, 2010 at 10:30 am
I believe I noticed anything relating to this on CNN this early morning but then once more that was earlier than I possessed my early morning espresso so who understands lol
December 5th, 2010 at 2:59 am
Interesting and really very true. Bookmarked.
January 16th, 2011 at 6:56 pm
Is it me, or does this article come across as being wrong?
Coffee Machines
March 14th, 2011 at 10:26 am
Seriously, all those petrol costs are turning out to be outrageous. I am going to need to get a loan merely to be able to refill my own truck each and every week. This is definitely starting to end up ludicrous!
October 30th, 2011 at 7:20 am
Well I {really|truly|sincerely|definitely} {enjoyed|liked} {reading|studying} it. This {information|tip|post|article|subject} {provided|offered|procured} by you is very {useful|practical|helpful|constructive|effective} for {proper|accurate|correct|go…
I’m still learning from you, as I’m trying to reach my goals. I absolutely liked reading all that is written on your site.Keep the aarticles coming. I enjoyed it! …
January 4th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Hello.Excellent post, really educational. I surprise why the opposite specialists in this sector do not recognize this. You must proceed your producing.Best regards from England .