The Food Court Is Now In Session
Last time I explained one way to know if you’re in a mall or an airport. I guess next I should explain The Rules of Eating At The Mall, so that once you’ve figured out that you’re in a mall, you know how to eat appropriately. Apparently, a lot of people don’t know these rules or even realize that there are rules.
The thing you have to realize is that when you’re in the mall, you have to eat mall food. You know, it’s like that saying: when in Rome, eat lark’s tongues or something gross like that.
Mall food, obviously, comes from the food court, but not every restaurant in the food court is serving actual mall food. This is why you have to know The Rules.
First, any Chinese or other Asian restaurant in the food court is automatically mall food.
Second, any Cajun or other ethnic restaurant which mimics the set-up of the Asian restaurants (sometimes right down to having Asian staff) is also automatically mall food.
Any food court restaurant which serves sub sandwiches and is not a Subway, Blimpies, Little King, or Quiznos is mall food.
Any restaurant in the food court that does not exist in your area as a stand-alone restaurant is mall food. Any restaurant that does have actual restaurants is off-limits, unless it fits into a category above. For most people, this means no going to Burger King or Arby’s. Those have no business being in a mall food court in the first place, and by buying their food you’re only encouraging them to loiter around, taking up spaces that could be used for another Chinese restaurant or a Sbarro’s or something.
Oh, yeah. Sbarro’s is also automatically mall food, even if you live somewhere that has actual Sbarro’s restaurants. Same thing for Orange Julius and Cinnabon.
So, for instance, if I went to a mall and saw a Chick Fils-A, I could eat there, because there is no Chick Fils-A in my area. I could not eat at a Runza, but somebody from outside the midwest could.
Now, these rules are very important. They are as important as they are totally not something I just made up. The reason for them is to protect the delicate ecology of the mall’s… um… biosphere. In my years as a mall environmentalist, I’ve found that once a hole-in-the-Great-Wall Chinese restaurant closes and a Burger King moves in, there’s really no going back. If you really want to live in a world where you can walk into a proper sized shopping mall with a Hot Topic and everything and not know without checking that there will be a Sbarro’s Pizza and a Chinese place, give your food court dollars to Burger King or Arby’s or McDonald’s or whatever.
But I for one believe we must preserve our nation’s precious mall eateries for our children’s children, which works out good because that’s mostly who seems to be hanging out in the food courts now.
~Ariella Rasputin Wallflower
March 11th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
mall chinese is terrible. I pity you americans, chinese takeaway from my hometown (belfast, northen ireland) is THE BEST fast food i’ve ever eaten anywhere.
March 11th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
That is like so weird. My Chinese friends say the same thing about their Irish restaurants.
March 11th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
what about chain chinese, like panda express?
March 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
See rule number one. Food courts are the reason such chains exist.
March 11th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I think Aunie Anne’s should be added to the list next to Orange Julius and Cinnabun.
March 11th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
What about hotdog stands?
March 11th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
It turns out the Chinese stuff they serve in America isn’t even real Chinese food. Real Chinese food is much more healthy. I admit, Ameri-chinese gives me Technicolor yawns for the rest of the day…
March 12th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Healthy? Why would we Americans want healthy food? Give us chicken, fried, and coated in sugar!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Doh! Real food is much more healthy.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Call me old fashioned., but I don’t believe we should be preserving anything for our children’s children, because children shouldn’t be having sex.
March 12th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Does Harrods count as a mall?
Can I eat at Ladurée (french pastry shop, clearly the best in the world even if they were actually made in england, theres one on the champs elysée arguably an open air mall…..)
What sucks about beeing a student in a very big city is that I can look and look and look all over I cant find a trace of the oh so nice malls I remember from my american childhood… that and im too lazy to actually follow their tracks, a cheesecake usually gets in the way
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:51 am
Sometimes Taco Bells/Johns can blend into the biosphere of the food court without damaging it. I think that might be regional.
I remember Runza. I wish I didn’t.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 am
I think Dairy Queen should be on the mallfood list. They’ve closed down all the outside ones, and all I can find are the DQ/Orange Julius combos in the really big malls.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
I’ve been to Chik-fil-a and I don’t think you are missing very much. I thought their chicken was bland, although i did like that they serve Diet Dr. Pepper.
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We enhanced get real change in 2012
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