The Wallflower Report

Today I’m going to tell you guys how to make a little something I call the Pizza Of Pretentiousness. Paris taught me how to make them but I thought up the name. Though after I told her what they’re called she doesn’t make them very often any more.

That’s okay though because they’re so easy to make.

First you take a cracker. The cracker needs to have a Base Snootiness Level (Bee Ess Elle) of at least 3.

For those of you who have never heard of this scale that I just made up, an ordinary saltine cracker or Ritz cracker is 1 (do not be fooled by the name: so-called “Ritz” crackers actually aren’t all that ritzy.) A wheat saltine is 2, and so is a plain Triscuit or Wheat Thin, and any cracker flavored with meat or any off-brand vegetable flavored cracker. Something like Triscuits with Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil or Vegetable Thins are a 3.

Those new toasted onion saltines from Nabisco are also actually a 3 because they are a brand-name cracker with vegetables. Though they don’t actually work very well for our purpose here because of reasons having to do with structural integrity and general crumbliness.

3 is the highest Bee Ess Elle that an ordinary cracker you find among the yellow boxes in the cracker section of your grocery store can legally attain.

4 is the plain version of the gourmet crackers that you can only like find back by the part of the deli section where they’ve got the spreadable cheeses that aren’t spelled with a Zee. If you’re not sure if you’re looking at a 4 or just a brand of crackers you’ve never heard of, look for a couple of key things. If you see the words “stone ground” anywhere you’re probably looking at a 4. If you see a recipe involving Cheez Whiz then you’re probably not.

5 and up are fancier versions of 4 like if they’ve got like cracked pepper or sun dried tomatoes or something. I say “and up” but really once you get higher than 4 it’s all kind of subjective, you know?

Anyway the key thing you need to know about making a Pizza Of Pretentiousness is that you need to start with at least a 3. For instance right now I’m using Triscuits With Rosemary And Olive Oil.

The cracker forms the foundation or “crust” of your Pee Oh Pee. On top of that you put a slice of tomato. You can use any tomato that’s small enough around to fit nicely on your crust but for extra Pretentiousness Points you should try to use one of those fancy plum tomatoes. To be really pretentious though you will want to call it a “Roma tomato” or by its scientific name “Prionailurus viverrinus“.

On top of the tomato you put a bit of fresh mozzarella. Note: fresh mozzarella is the kind that comes in an ooey gooey ball not as a bag of little shreds. Don’t get the wrong kind because that is a rookie mistake.

That is your Pizza Of Pretentiousness in its most simple form. You can add other ingredients like slices of sausage (not pre-sliced pepperoni!) or little green herbs sprinkled on top of the cheese. You can also experiment with different cheeses though I recommend mozzarella because all the really snooty cheeses taste gross. However you make it though the Pizza of Pretentiousness is the perfect snack to break out when you’re hanging out with all your artist friends or to bring as a picnic when you’re watching Open Air Cultural Events or anything that involves the words “chamber music.”

And as the French say bon appétit! That literally means “eat a bone” but you don’t have to because you have a Pizza Of Pretentiousness.

~Ariella Rasputin Wallflower

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 26th, 2007 at 5:50 pm and is filed under Food. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.