The Wallflower Report

So last night I was eating a big bowl of ice cream in bed and Judy’s all like “Don’t you even have any respect for your body?”
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So we went to the supermarket yesterday and Judy spent like I swear to God five hours circling around the parking lot looking for a parking space that was “close enough” to the door, which I think in her case means it’s somehow closer to the door than the sidewalk is.
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Oh hey, I have a blog? That’s kind of cool, but I guess I should probably do something with it. My friend Paris is always taking stuff that she found and turning it into a lamp or a planter or some kind of bizarre hybrid lamp/planter which will rise up and throw off the shackles of its human oppressors to usher in the Empire of the Plamper.
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So last week we went to the mall here and ended up eating at The Cheesecake Factory. Do not let the name fool you: the so-called “factory” is actually a restaurant. Otherwise we probably wouldn’t have eaten there. I think they call themselves a factory because they want to emphasize that their cheesecakes are made by hand. It’s like reverse pscyhology, you know? Very tricky.
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So Judy keeps wanting me to go across the river to the casinos with her but I don’t think that’s a good idea. Every single time we go to the casinos she ends up losing all her money, usually five minutes after she asks me to hold her pocketbook. It’s a serious problem. I’d probably like stage an intervention or something, but I really kind of need the money.
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Last time I explained one way to know if you’re in a mall or an airport. I guess next I should explain The Rules of Eating At The Mall, so that once you’ve figured out that you’re in a mall, you know how to eat appropriately. Apparently, a lot of people don’t know these rules or even realize that there are rules.
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Okay so it’s been almost a month since I’ve posted but I’ve got a pretty good reason in that I temporarily forgot where the internet was. I thought maybe it existed in the hearts of every child everywhere, but it turns out it’s actually inside computers, which means I wasted a lot of time studying the diagrams in medical text books.

In the mean time not a whole lot of stuff has happened but just recently I went on a road trip with Judy and some friends to Des Moines.
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Right, so Lexy’s apparently been having server problems off and on again. I wonder why she doesn’t go to a different restaurant. She gave me the okay to update again, though, so I don’t really care. I’ve got lots of important stuff to tell you about.

Like today I’m going to talk about the live-action Swamp Thing show that was out in like the early 90s on USA, because I just got it on Dee Vee Dee.
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So I mentioned that I’m back together with Judy the other day, right? Well one of the things I was really looking forward to about moving back with her was the fact that I’d be able to get caffeine again. I mean Paris has started buying me Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper, which apparently tastes more like regular Diet Dr. Pepper, but that’s not quite the same thing, you know?
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Today’s just kind of a yucky blah kind of a day, you know? Like I can’t figure out what to do with myself. For a while I tried lying on my back in bed and counting the ceiling, but I always got stuck at one. Then I tried lying on my stomach in bed and doing it, just for an added challenge, you know, but there was no way to ensure the accuracy of the count so I gave up.
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